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Writing from the Inside Out

I would die without music.

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Listening to: James Morrison - One Last Chance
via FoxyTunes   

There has been so much going on in our society today that irritates, enrages and confounds me. I literally have to stop myself from making all three of my blogs rants on politics, civil rights, injustice, etc. etc. I already used Layla's Classic Rock Faves to discuss the Jena 6 issue today because David Bowie donated $10,000 to the defense fund. I saw an angle (David Bowie - rock star - that means it belongs on my blog!).

And then there's the homosexuality issues that Kansas Bob and Eric/ Evangelicals Anonymous have both brought up this week.

AND I have a whole rant in my head about how politics in our government have become an embarrassment. The things being said....for example Rev. Jesse Jackson saying Barak Obama is "acting too white". I

I'm going to lunch.

Does all this stuff bug you or is it just me?

I have been entertaining the idea of using a spiritual director for some time now. I talked with one today on the phone to explore it further and see how I felt after talking to him. Here are my initial thoughts and notes. I always doodle when I talk on the phone and sometimes I can see a subliminal message shining through.

What I liked about Rick:

He had a calming voice, seemed sincere and kind and nurturing. He appears to have a very intimate relationship with Christ. He's been doing this for 12 years so he's not new at it.

What I was unsure about::

He seemed almost too nice, too soft.

Interesting Observation:

I would guess that he's gay. I hate to stereotype people, but ya know - stereotypes exist for a reason....but that's not it. It was just a FEELING I got from him that he was. If he is or isn't gay is not an issue at all to me, its just something that I picked up on and wonder about. Kansas Bob just did a post on the topic the other day that was very thought provoking.

What I drew on my doodles:

A house. The front door has ten windows in it, and In the middle of them all was a huge lock. There is a window on the side of the house that has frilly curtains and is open with a pie sitting on the sill to cool (kinda like in old cartoons when Tom and/or Jerry would steal a pie....). The house also had a big heart drawn on it. Above the house I drew a candle in an old fashioned candle holder, it was lit. In HUGE letters I wrote the word "TRUST" and then underlined it and made a fancy border around it.

My notes were randomly written all over the page (front and back) and circled or boxed or bordered with decorations. They say:

Share with God what I want in an intimate relationship with Him

God desires a relationship with me

Desire to reconnect

Laugh with God - share your joys not just your sorrows

What does joy feel like it?

TRUST

The Heroin Diaries

Wicked

Open the door to my heart Lord

Sh*t

Community, communication, communion

Intimacy

Fat

I think I know what all of this means. I am not sure if "R" is the right spiritual director for me of if I even want one, but I want something. I have a feeling my life is going to change dramatically soon. I just have to hold on for the ride.

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a new poem

I think I magically found my old poetry blog the other day, I thought Blogger had "ate" it about a year ago but apparently when Google and Blogger merged it got hooked up to my account!

Anyhow. I write poems fast. The longest I have ever spent on one is about 20 minutes. That's not to say I won't edit the heck out of it for years to come, but generally they just sort of say to me "put your pen on the paper and write this". I don't really think about it. I don't know if it's that way for everyone but it's the only way it happens for me. I'd be too self conscious to actually sit down and TRY to write a poem because I am not a poet, I am a writer so to call myself a poet is arrogant and silly (this is what I tell myself so I can blame any bad poetry on my pen...not my own mind).

So I am sitting here innocently at work and my pen says "write this down". After I wrote it I could see that it's clearly about the guy I had a date with recently. Even though I have put him out of my mind, I guess he's still buried in my thoughts. Perhaps this was closure for me. I know we only had ONE DATE but I had "known" him for 3 months so it seems like more than just a one-date experience to me.

Seagulls, waves, military planes

Smiles, laughter, a tender kiss

Warmth, Trust, Hope

Doubt, Fear, Denial

Excuses, Hiding, Loss

It started out as a date, got very personal over four hours, then wavered, crashed and burned. Weird.

Does Anyone have an idea why all the photos on this blog disappeared?????

I updated my template, but I do that all the time....all my carefully chosen photos are gone :(

Today's quote from Henri Nouwen:

". . . God loves us not because of anything we've done to earn that love, but because God, in total freedom, has decided to love us." (Letters to Marc, Letter V)

It's so hard for me to let this concept of God's love sink into my heart, but I am going to try. I have been fighting (again, as usual) with my faith and beliefs and it's time to get off the dang fence.

Do I believe in God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit? Yes

Okay. Now I need to live like I do instead of battling against it all the time.

I feel weird

I feel really weird tonight.  I am worried about my nephew, and my son, and a bunch of other things.  There's only so much I can do and worrying doesn't help a thing.  I tried to get a hold of "D" today but did not hear back from him.

I am trying to give myself a vacation from thinking too hard, its not working.

Next week (Thursday) I have to lead a devotion for my team at work, four people plus me.  I have NO CLUE what I am going to say and am not looking forward to it.

I have to check on "D" tomorrow even if it means going over there and having to see my brother.  Families are so messed up - well, not all families, but lots of them are.

He wants to die....

My nephew. "D" is suicidal.  this is sad, but it doesn't surprise me at all.  honestly, what surprises me is that he's still here.  He's been suicidal for years but always hung on.  He's only 26. 

He hates his parents.  I don't blame him.  They were awful to him all his life.  He's a sensitive person and they belittled him for it.

I just spent a couple of hours with him.  I don't know what to do, but I am never giving up hope.  I wish he was my son.  I wish I would have taken him away from his  "parents" when he was a kid.  His father told him he was useless and would grow up to be nothing, so he has.  His mother told him she wished he had never been born, so he wishes it too.  Why the hell would he NOT want to end his life?  The thing is, he lives with his dad (my brother) so he is in a constant state of oppression.  He lives under the same roof with the same angry man that has treated him like shit all his life (this may sound familiar to those of you who know me and my life situation). 

My entire family was here tonight at my house, for my sister's birthday.  "D" made an effort, he usually doesn't come to family functions (I wouldn't either if I didn't live here).  Something got to him.  He started to cry and left.  No one saw him cry but my mom (his grandmother) but she goes and blabs it to the whole family.  My sister looks at me, her eyes say "Bar, you are the only one who relates, go talk to him".  I had already grabbed my keys off the counter.  I found him locked in his room with a sharp knife.  He came out, cried, let me hold him.  We talked for a long time, sitting in the dark.

The solution:  I guess I should say "God" but he no longer believes in God.  RIght now my mission in life is to talk him into moving away from his father's house. 

More later. 

WHY are some parents so cruel?  My heart hurts.  I love him.  I wish he was my son. 

He needs help - he needs counseling, medication and a physical check-up (he's really let his health go, he's not doing well physically).  Of course he has no insurance and no job because he can barely function.  I am going to do all I can to help him.  My suggestion is that he move away - out of state and get a fresh start away from his father, away from Orange County, away from all the memories of his pain.  I don't think it would be running away - it would be a fresh start, a new beginning, a CHANCE to prove to himself to himself, to make friends, to own his life, to get away from oppression.

Am I ashamed?

I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote the other day, about how I was feeling vulnerable and nervous about certain people reading my blog. I've come to the conclusion that the only people I feel uncomfortable with are my co-workers. I don't mind if the man I met recently reads here (although I don't think he does). The reasons I don't want co-workers or certain friend to read here is because:

1) I would spend too much time defending my beliefs (that would be inappropriate at work)

2) Some people would judge me for some of the things I have said and done (not everyone has an open mind loving heart)

3) Certain people would feel uncomfortable knowing about some of the events of my past, and I don't want to put them in that position.

4) I would subconsciously wonder about the above three things every time I wrote and therefore would edit myself (I don't plan out posts, I just let them happen, that would not work well if I had to THINK too much first, I'd never write a thing!)

So, in conclusion, no I am not ashamed at all. I am who I am. I am not proud or ashamed. I am just me. Well, I guess sometimes I am EMBARRASSED to be me, but I get over it.

9/11

I've cried on and off today as I read blogs and remembered.  Amber has a video on her blog of U2 singing "Walk On"

I posted about the tribute I did last year.

and Eric has a video over at Evangelicals Anonymous of a speech that Pres. Bush made the night of the attack, its a reminder to me of how much things have changed since then.  I think the United States felt united for awhile after 0/11 - but we're back to being divided against each other.  Its sad.

OH MY GOSH - JUST FOUND AN AMAZING VIDEO THAT CURIOUS SERVANT DID OVER ON HIS BLOG.....Check this one out too!  He put photos to a song that is PERFECT.

Happy Birthday Dear Dana

Tomorrow, Sept. 11th is the birthday of a woman I admire and respect.  She's someone I consider myself to be blessed to know (as many of you are!).   She's become a special blog friend even though we don't stay in touch often, I know she's there if I need her and visa versa. 

If you read her blog you will see a multi-faceted person who is intelligent, sensitve and talented.

She has a strong compassion for people that many overlook as the undesirables of the world (homeless, mentally ill, addicted, unstable, etc.) 

Her sense of justice and fairness is evident by the views she shares.

She is very creative with words and art.

She is generous, open, loving, honest, funny and real. 

On a personal level I know that we share some similar experiences and it was fun and encouraging and soothing to find someone who could understand something that  very few others I know were able to grasp.

Most of all, she's just a HUGE encourager to so many people.  We don't read a lot of the same blogs, but when I do run across one of her comments I notice the time, energy and sincerity in her responses to others - and to me!!! 

So, A Big Happy Birthday to Dana (aka Awareness)

A crossroads for my blogs?

Wow.  This is weird because I am 99% sure that the man I am about to mention doesn't read this blog, but I don't know for sure.  I guess I could ask him.  Here's the short story:

I met a wonderful guy who I went out with yesterday.  We had a nice time.  He's someone I would be interested in getting to know better.  Here's the interesting thing:
He told me he's read my blogs, and that because of some of the things I've written about (specifically depression) he related to me and was drawn to me.  That made me feel - good.  Validated.  Understood.  Appreciated.  I am trying not to get my hopes TOO high about him, but wow - I haven't met anyone like him in a long, long time.

But the thing is - did he read this one?  If so he REALLY knows a lot about me.  My past, my relationship with "J", my spiritual fears and frustrations.  I can't tell on my site meter if he found this one so I have to flat out ask him.  I want to be up front with him and I have nothing to hide from him - but do I really want him and anyone else on earth that knows my last name to read the intimate details of my childhood, my current thoughts, my personal feelings?

I'm thinking of shutting down this blog.  Not because of the man I met - if you've been reading here you know that its been on my mind a lot lately.  I don't know what else to do.  I will think about it, I have a few options:

I can set a password on it like I did before, or change the url and send it to only people I know want to read it.

Henri Nouwen on Hope

“When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope”

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“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.”

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“.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper”

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"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares."

 

                  

 

I have a dear friend who emails me to ask how my heart is.  She's one of the few people I know that I can just say anything to even if it makes no sense, and she will get it.

Today I am thinking about what I said to her yesterday:

My heart is - longing.  Longing fro the willingness to let go.  I want to jump into God's arms, feet first and let him catch me like a father catching their kid in a pool - its a bit scary to jump but you know you'll be safe but what if the water is cold or has too much chlorine?  Its like I know He will catch me if I will jump but I am fearful of whatever discomfort may come along with it.   

 

Back to the pool - its hot standing on the edge, my feet are starting to burn so I am hopping back and forth on them trying to decide why I am hesitant to jump in that inviting looking Pool full of others that are splashing around having fun....with my Father smiling and strong and good - I know he will catch me.  He just waits so dang patiently.

So now I ask you, where is YOUR heart today?

 

RIP Pavarotti

I will quote Bono:

"SOME CAN SING OPERA; LUCIANO PAVAROTTI WAS AN OPERA"

an amazing voice...amazing

Dallas Willard on Community

I saw this over on Bill's blog, Provocative Church.  I think there is a lot of truth to this.  He was talking specifically about the younger generation. 

"That's an expression of their loneliness. But most of them don't know what community means because community means assuming responsibility for other people and that means paying attention and not following your own will but submitting your will and giving up the world of intimacy and power you have in the little consumer world that you have created. They are lonely and they hurt. They don't know why that they think community might solve that, but when they look community in the face and realize that it means raw, skin to skin contact with other people for whom you have become responsible...that's when they back away."

Do you agree with this statement?

Do you think it applies mostly to the younger generation?

angry young man

Please pray for my son, he got in trouble with the police again last night and this time I was there and agreed that this cop was out to get him.  She kept insisting to me that the iPods Keven had were stolen!  I told her they weren't but she didn't believe me.  I had given him my old one and his best friend gave him his old one so he has two.  She even called in the serial numbers to see if they were reported stolen.  Well in the midst of all this she found some pot in his car and gave him a ticket.  He is very angry.  All this happened in front of our home when he pulled up to come in for the night, around 11:00 pm.  She had followed him (why I don't know) and when she pulled up behind him she heard him say to his buddy "Oh F*ck".  She said that was like an admission of guilt.  But thinking about it, I think I say something similar is I get pulled over even if I have done nothing wrong.  Sorry - this is a ramble again.  I have to get to work.  He had his once chance with the law and went through that program already - now he has to go to court.  He was NOT doing well last night, very angry, hurting himself in his anger, me feeling out of control.  I sat with him till 2:30 am because I was afraid of what he might do.  I see his dad and my brother in him when he's angry (not good).  He was actually looking forward to school starting now he says he has this hanging over his head.  He wants to sell his cool car because cops automatically think he's doing something wrong.

I don't know what to tell him other than, "pack your bags, buddy, we're moving to Portland"

"Lord, you know where I'm at.  Please just give me some wisdom on how to help Kev through the next few years.  I feel so inadequate.  Please show Yourself to him in some way so he's reminded that You love him even more than I do."

I'm glad this 3 day weekend is almost over

I can't believe I feel that way, but with this heat, I have not felt so great and my normal lack of energy and enthusiasm for life has been triplicated.  At least at work my mind will not have time to wander to unhealthy territory. 

It's just grossly hot and I've been depressed.  I HURT (physically) and am so damn sick of it.  I get so frustrated with God.  I keep reading some of your blogs to encourage me - dang, I never need to spend money on a book again cause what you all write is awesome.

Do you ever listen to a song that is clearly not about God but sing it to him anyhow?  That happens to me a lot.  I love/hate music so much.  It just gets to me.  I dated a guy  that didn't understand my passion for music and it really put a wedge between us. 

I just have this need to DO SOMETHING.  To make some sort of DIFFERENCE.  If I am going to take up space on the planet and breathe my share of air - shouldn't I be DOING something other than practicing at being agoraphobic and anti-social?  How the hell can a person who loves people have the issues I have?  Can I really blame it on my health issues or are my health issues a result of my FEAR of ______________?  Doing something?  Failing?  Not doing anything?  Accomplishment?  Pride?  WTF is wrong with me?

Somehow I want more....Why do I have to be so complex - why can't i care about meaningless things that don't cause any grief or anger?  I need to get out of south orange county before it kills me, either that or become one of them...and that hasn't happened yet so I doubt it ever will.

This photo does not go with this post, but I love it.  Its by Maria Adele.


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Listening to: Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
via FoxyTunes   
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Listening to: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
via FoxyTunes 

Amazing, Disturbing Art

I've shared this before but more has been added.  This is going to be on exhibit in Los Angeles this month, I hope to go see it in person. 

Please take a look and read the captions so you can get the "big picture"